Hello, my Name is: Identity Crisis

“The identity crisis… occurs in that period of the life cycle when each youth must forge for himself some central perspective and direction, some working unity, out of the effective remnants of his childhood and the hopes of his anticipated adulthood.” – Erik Erikson

               Before I dive deep into the main point of this post, I need you (the reader), to understand that I have been fighting with writing this. I was asked several months ago to write a piece based on “what it’s like to be [me]”. The requester was essentially asking what it’s like to be a Product of Divorce (POD), Fatherless Female Child (FFC), and a Member of a Mixed Family (MOMF). To be honest, I never wanted to write this. I never envisioned myself giving away the details of my life, my circumstances. Funnily enough, it was for that exact reason, I saw I needed to write this; not wanting to give out life details is a side effect of being those three things.

So, I decided I will go through each of my “circumstances”, separately. I will give the side effects of each situation and at the end I will add those effects together to give you a more clear understanding of who I am.

Being a POD is very difficult, so forgive me if I have a difficult time explaining us. We are good actors/actresses, we learned at (generally) a young age, how to live with and appease to different parents. Feeling the need to emotionally support one parent or the other, at all times, we learned how to wear a mask and hide our own emotions. 60% of people who are POD at a young age, grow up and have trouble with social relationships, while a lot of others get along with virtually anyone. We are people-pleasers, we have above average work competence, we complete projects whole-heartedly because we know what happens if something is only done part-way, and we are some of the most loving people in the world. As I said earlier, growing up we took it upon ourselves to make sure our parents were always OK and because of that, we become extremely hospitable and automatically take on a caregiver mentality. We show that same love and affection to our siblings, we support them through hell and back, never stopping to think about what it might mean for ourselves. We’re selfless, remarkably attuned to other’s feelings, and can relate closely to a variety of situations. We prepare for the worst, and consequently have a myriad of fears. We expect to fail, and to have people fail us, we suffer from fear of loss, because as a child we most likely experienced abandonment. Typically, our relationships end because of our tendencies to self-destruct when something becomes too “normal” or “routine”. We didn’t ever learn to appreciate consistency and because of that, we either fear change, or can’t get enough of it. The first things a POD will look for is flaws, we can’t help it, it’s a self-preservation act. We go off our “gut feeling”, because our realistic minds have been conditioned to make accurate judgements about anyone, immediately. We are best at questioning things, over thinking, and passive aggression. We have cynical beliefs about love, because we have never healed from what happened between our parents. If you break up with a POD, expect one of two things; either they will keep in contact and be really good at being friends, or they will despise you and try to make your life horrible. Note that this isn’t because there is something wrong with them, it’s because they never saw a healthy relationship and the relationship that they did witness, followed one of those two paths. POD LOVE confrontation. Seriously. We look at confrontation as a way to finally be heard and to improve ourselves, we want to be the best we can be, so nobody has a reason to betray and leave us. We like to be control freaks, and this is also a self-preservation act; we can’t handle things getting out of control because we were forced into chaos as children. Understand that if we have self-esteem issues, anxiety, depression, high levels of stress, paranoia, and like things, it isn’t because we’re “attention whores”, we’re Products of Divorce, and those are just the side effects of being so.

FFC are complex, interesting, women. We need to have a fun, entertaining, light life, because we’ve struggled with darkness and depression too long. Our motivation to succeed is incredible, we will literally do anything to get somewhere in our lives, which is why you get girls with “daddy issues”. When you meet a FFC, you will notice she is a fighter. She thrives off of being an independent, free, mature, fiery spirit. She can look into the face of anyone and immediately connect with them; there is no limit of depression or hurt that she doesn’t understand. She is the girl that spits sarcasm and wit without thinking about it; this is because she suffers from being bitter and has spent years building up walls, with no intention of letting anyone close enough to tear them down. We expect only the most realistic things and won’t allow anyone to fool us with “sugar-coating”. We don’t need your pity, we are strong enough to deal with things, we have been doing just fine up to this point. When someone asks about our family we won’t flinch, we have our “script” memorized and can recite it without needing to swallow our tears. This took years, but we’ve had to explain our existence plenty of times. Most FFC self-depreciate, we have convinced ourselves that we’re worthless, and that’s why our own father didn’t stick around. Every FFC will tell you we dislike physical contact. Hugging is on our long list of “least favorite things”, and if we are willing to hug you, take notice to how monumental that is. We don’t ask for a lot, we have learned to do things for ourselves, but if we decide you’re important enough to hug or talk to, note that this is us trying to learn how to trust. When you talk about your father or family, please don’t be offended if we look away, get uncomfortable, or our eyes glaze over. Either we find it uncomfortable to talk about, because we can’t relate, or we are simply perplexed by a relationship we never got to understand or enjoy.

MOMF will surprise you in a lot of ways. Unlike most siblings, we typically haven’t been living with one another for our entire lives and that can cause irritation and constant competition. We function more like a team, with our own responsibilities and roles. Once we learn how we “fit” together, we can function in perfect harmony and cooperate excellently. MOMF don’t like being pushed to do things certain ways; we are constantly struggling to have our own places in life and not wanting to be compared to others, so we make sure everyone knows where we stand. In the beginning, we feel alienated, unwanted, and over-looked. Holidays and special occasions are uncomfortable, not fun, because we don’t want one family feeling as if we love them any less than our other family. Studies have shown that when children are introduced to a mixed family before the age of 10, they adjust the best. Children ages 10 to 14 are the least likely to adjust well, or at all, and will be the most likely to act out. Teens 15+ typically don’t need to be pushed to adjust, they either will or they won’t, nothing is going to change their minds. Being a MOMF teaches patience and compassion, builds friendships that will last forever, and can frequently result in adults who know how to better accept people.

Putting these three things together will create a cocktail better off left alone. I am an excellent actress, I don’t trust a single soul, I thrive off of confrontation, I am an experienced caregiver, and I have seen the deepest, darkest pits of depression. I do my best to achieve better than perfect, I am a control freak, and I would die for any of my siblings, even the step-ones. I don’t joke about understanding people’s pain, I have prepared myself for the worst, and I expect to fail at everything I do. I have given up on the notion of love, I would rather hear about your dad than have to wonder about mine, and I dislike when my life doesn’t constantly change gears. I’m ready for anyone in my life to leave, but I also fear that possibility. I first notice flaws, and I have avoided people after speaking to them once, because of my "gut feeling”. I question everyone and everything. I can frequently be passive-aggressive, but for the most part I’m very blunt and forward. I get stressed out easily, anxiety attacks are the norm for me, and I am more than paranoid. My life needs to be exciting, I need to constantly be having more fun and experiencing new things so I don’t have time to remember my past. I am a fighter, I am independent, and I am more mature than others my age. I have built walls of anger, pride, and bitterness and will not let anyone overcome them. I hate hugs. Don’t pity me, don’t sugar coat things, and don’t lie to me. I won’t ask you for things, but I will help you do just about anything. I have found my position in my family and I would much rather brag to you about my siblings’ achievements and positions. I will not be pushed around, and I am very competitive. At the end of the day, I am exactly who I am supposed to be, and I wouldn’t give up my identity for the world… as messed up as it may be.

It is, but it isn't. A Post on Double Standards.

               By now everyone is aware that we live in the 21^st Century, I hope. Most everyone understands the ideas of homosexuality, transgender, bisexuality, divorce, feminism, weight-shaming, gender-shaming, religion-shaming, terrorism, domestic abuse, child abuse, gun control, sex trafficking, racism, etc. and the effects that each of these have on the world around us. However, I feel as if most of the, 21^st Century “advances” or “new-normalcies”, come with horrible double standards, but spread a message of some diluted form of “freedom”.

For instance, by now everyone has probably read about Bruce “Caitlyn” Jenner and his/her transformation. At the same time, everyone has probably heard how brave or, admirable or, inspirational he/she is and I don’t see it that way.                That makes me a bigot.

 Now, if Mr./Mrs. Jenner were to look at me and say, “I don’t understand why she chooses to stay the sex she was born, that’s not very brave”, it wouldn’t make him/her anything, just a person with an opinion. Why? Why is it that by reading one sentence you cringe and think, “Oooh, I can’t wait to see the comments she gets”, but by reading the other you don’t even look twice at what I wrote? Double standards. Welcome to the 21^st Century, the Social Era, where toes can be stepped on in one breath, but you can be liberal and accepted in the next.

  

Okay, let’s try another one, because I know you’re all blood thirsty for another reason to hate me. How about weigh-shaming, that’s an incredibly popular one, for several reasons. As Meghan Trainor so creatively put it, “Yeah it’s pretty clear, I ain’t no size two. But I can shake it, shake it like I’m supposed to do. ‘Cause I got that boom boom that all the boys chase. All the right junk in all the right places. I see the magazines working that Photoshop. We know that sh*t ain’t real. Come on now, make it stop. If you got beauty beauty just raise ‘em up. ‘Cause every inch of you is perfect. From the bottom to the top. Yeah, my momma she told me don’t worry about your size. She says, boys like a little more booty to hold at night. You know I won’t be no stick-figure silicone Barbie doll. So if that’s what you’re into then go ahead and move along.” I happen to think this song is catchy, and that it spreads a good message of accepting yourself the way you are; unless that way is stick-figure.

Here’s the thing, people have a great habit of judging off of the first things they see. For instance, someone looks at another person who is overweight and thinks, “eating disorder”. That same person then looks at someone who is underweight and thinks, “eating disorder”. Daily we see ads and read stories about how important it is not to make judgements or bully people if they are overweight. What we don’t hear or see is the same thing goes for people who are struggling with being underweight. I personally have been “shamed”, so to speak, for my weight. Standing at 5’8”, and weighing in at 104lbs., I try not to get irritated when someone says something to me about my weight or what they think. I’m not supposed to get irritated, I’m supposed to be grateful that someone notices how small I am and be happy with my weight. If I’m not, and I bring up how someone is weight-shaming me, I’m ungrateful, or ridiculous. Sound like another double standard?

               Let’s just keep on moving to the next one, racism. We all know what it means and have heard countless stories and examples. So please note that if you find what I am about to say racist, then you will be able to see my exact point of this being a double standard.

February is Black History Month, May is Asian Heritage Month and Jewish American Heritage Month, September is National Hispanic American Heritage Month, and November is Native American Heritage Month. So why don’t we have a Caucasian History Month? Because that would be racist and we should know better. I don’t say this because I don’t appreciate the months that have been dedicated to certain ethnicities, but because I find a very significant double standard. So now what am I? Oh yes, racist. Forgive me, I just don’t see why we are encouraged to accept people who are different colors, or speak different languages, but are discouraged from being proud of being white? Why can’t we be happy for being any or all? Isn’t that the American thing?

               I have two more I would like to talk about, so bear with me. Next on my list, homosexuality. If you have been reading my blog for any period of time, you should remember I wrote a post about this a while ago. I also did a piece about Feminism which I unfortunately don’t have the time to cover, but please check them both out and let me know what you think! Anyway, homosexuality has very recently been accepted and pushed to be accepted by more people, worldwide. The idea of same-sex couples adopting children is another topic that has been trending as well. If I were to sit here and talk about how monumental and wonderful that is, very few people would have any problems with it. However, if I were to talk about how wonderful it is to see a heterosexual marriage and adoption, I would nicely fit right back into that “bigot” title from earlier, along with a nice “homophobic”. So basically, I am allowed to accept the idea of homosexual marriage and family, but not heterosexual marriage and family, I don’t want to be a homophobic bigot.

               Lastly, the topic of religion-shaming. With 19 major religions, subdivided into 270 large religions, it’s easy for every individual to find and choose a religion. Recently, it was reported that the U.S embassy in Indonesia removed their July 4^th celebration in order to avoid offending Muslims during their holy month of Ramadan. Did you catch that? Yes, the U.S embassy decided to celebrate the 4^th of July an entire month early so the Muslims in Indonesia wouldn’t be offended. This is supposed to be a respectful gesture, something done without question, but do you think the gesture will be returned? No, America and Americans are literally looked upon as Satan by Muslims. The 4^th of July isn’t a small holiday like, Arbor Day, this is the day we celebrate and remember the struggles and sacrifices put into making our Country the best, free country in the world. Meanwhile, Muslims are imprisoning our soldiers, our journalists, and cutting their heads off, not showing respect for our religious holidays. Except, we shouldn’t be that judgmental and disrespectful; it’s their right to worship, not ours. Right?

               Now that I’ve covered some of my biggest double standard pet peeves, be on the look-out for more. You never know where you’re going to find them and by recognizing them, you’ll be more informed and likely to make better decisions. Of course, by now you can also see what a ridiculous, ungrateful, homophobic, racist, judgmental, disrespectful, bigot I am. Sorry, not sorry. It is what you make it folks, feel free to share and tell me what you think! Have a great week!