“The identity crisis…
occurs in that period of the life cycle when each youth must forge for himself
some central perspective and direction, some working unity, out of the
effective remnants of his childhood and the hopes of his anticipated adulthood.”
– Erik Erikson
Before I dive deep into the main
point of this post, I need you (the reader), to understand that I have been
fighting with writing this. I was asked several months ago to write a piece
based on “what it’s like to be [me]”. The requester was essentially asking what
it’s like to be a Product of Divorce
(POD), Fatherless Female Child (FFC),
and a Member of a Mixed Family (MOMF).
To be honest, I never wanted to write this. I never envisioned myself giving
away the details of my life, my circumstances. Funnily enough, it was for that
exact reason, I saw I needed to write this; not wanting to give out life
details is a side effect of being those three things.
So, I decided
I will go through each of my “circumstances”, separately. I will give the side
effects of each situation and at the end I will add those effects together to
give you a more clear understanding of who
I am.
Being a POD
is very difficult, so forgive me if I have a difficult time explaining us. We
are good actors/actresses, we learned at (generally) a young age, how to live with
and appease to different parents. Feeling the need to emotionally support one
parent or the other, at all times, we learned how to wear a mask and hide our
own emotions. 60% of people who are POD at a young age, grow up and have
trouble with social relationships, while a lot of others get along with
virtually anyone. We are people-pleasers, we have above average work
competence, we complete projects whole-heartedly because we know what happens
if something is only done part-way, and we are some of the most loving people
in the world. As I said earlier, growing up we took it upon ourselves to make
sure our parents were always OK and because of that, we become extremely
hospitable and automatically take on a caregiver mentality. We show that same
love and affection to our siblings, we support them through hell and back,
never stopping to think about what it might mean for ourselves. We’re selfless,
remarkably attuned to other’s feelings, and can relate closely to a variety of
situations. We prepare for the worst, and consequently have a myriad of fears. We
expect to fail, and to have people fail us, we suffer from fear of loss,
because as a child we most likely experienced abandonment. Typically, our relationships
end because of our tendencies to self-destruct when something becomes too “normal”
or “routine”. We didn’t ever learn to appreciate consistency and because of
that, we either fear change, or can’t get enough of it. The first things a POD
will look for is flaws, we can’t help it, it’s a self-preservation act. We go
off our “gut feeling”, because our realistic minds have been conditioned to
make accurate judgements about anyone, immediately. We are best at questioning things,
over thinking, and passive aggression. We have cynical beliefs about love,
because we have never healed from what happened between our parents. If you
break up with a POD, expect one of two things; either they will keep in contact
and be really good at being friends, or they will despise you and try to make
your life horrible. Note that this isn’t because there is something wrong with
them, it’s because they never saw a healthy relationship and the relationship that
they did witness, followed one of those two paths. POD LOVE confrontation. Seriously. We look at confrontation as a way to
finally be heard and to improve
ourselves, we want to be the best we can be, so nobody has a reason to betray
and leave us. We like to be control freaks, and this is also a self-preservation
act; we can’t handle things getting out of control because we were forced into
chaos as children. Understand that if we have self-esteem issues, anxiety,
depression, high levels of stress, paranoia, and like things, it isn’t because
we’re “attention whores”, we’re Products of Divorce, and those are just the
side effects of being so.
FFC are complex,
interesting, women. We need to have a fun, entertaining, light life, because we’ve
struggled with darkness and depression too long. Our motivation to succeed is
incredible, we will literally do anything
to get somewhere in our lives, which is why you get girls with “daddy issues”.
When you meet a FFC, you will notice she is a fighter. She thrives off of being
an independent, free, mature, fiery spirit. She can look into the face of
anyone and immediately connect with them; there is no limit of depression or
hurt that she doesn’t understand. She is the girl that spits sarcasm and wit
without thinking about it; this is because she suffers from being bitter and
has spent years building up walls, with no intention of letting anyone close
enough to tear them down. We expect only the most realistic things and won’t
allow anyone to fool us with “sugar-coating”. We don’t need your pity, we are
strong enough to deal with things, we have been doing just fine up to this
point. When someone asks about our family we won’t flinch, we have our “script”
memorized and can recite it without needing to swallow our tears. This took
years, but we’ve had to explain our existence plenty of times. Most FFC self-depreciate,
we have convinced ourselves that we’re worthless, and that’s why our own father
didn’t stick around. Every FFC will tell you we dislike physical contact.
Hugging is on our long list of “least favorite things”, and if we are willing
to hug you, take notice to how monumental that is. We don’t ask for a lot, we
have learned to do things for ourselves, but if we decide you’re important enough
to hug or talk to, note that this is us trying to learn how to trust. When you
talk about your father or family, please don’t be offended if we look away, get
uncomfortable, or our eyes glaze over. Either we find it uncomfortable to talk
about, because we can’t relate, or we are simply perplexed by a relationship we
never got to understand or enjoy.
MOMF will
surprise you in a lot of ways. Unlike most siblings, we typically haven’t been
living with one another for our entire lives and that can cause irritation and
constant competition. We function more like a team, with our own responsibilities
and roles. Once we learn how we “fit” together, we can function in perfect
harmony and cooperate excellently. MOMF don’t like being pushed to do things
certain ways; we are constantly struggling to have our own places in life and not wanting to be compared to others, so we
make sure everyone knows where we stand. In the beginning, we feel alienated,
unwanted, and over-looked. Holidays and special occasions are uncomfortable,
not fun, because we don’t want one family feeling as if we love them any less
than our other family. Studies have shown that when children are introduced to
a mixed family before the age of 10, they adjust the best. Children ages 10 to
14 are the least likely to adjust well, or at all, and will be the most likely
to act out. Teens 15+ typically don’t need to be pushed to adjust, they either
will or they won’t, nothing is going to change their minds. Being a MOMF
teaches patience and compassion, builds friendships that will last forever, and
can frequently result in adults who know how to better accept people.
Putting
these three things together will create a cocktail better off left alone. I am
an excellent actress, I don’t trust a single soul, I thrive off of
confrontation, I am an experienced caregiver, and I have seen the deepest,
darkest pits of depression. I do my best to achieve better than perfect, I am a
control freak, and I would die for any
of my siblings, even the step-ones. I don’t joke about understanding people’s
pain, I have prepared myself for the worst, and I expect to fail at everything I
do. I have given up on the notion of love, I would rather hear about your dad
than have to wonder about mine, and I dislike when my life doesn’t constantly
change gears. I’m ready for anyone in my life to leave, but I also fear that
possibility. I first notice flaws, and I have avoided people after speaking to
them once, because of my "gut feeling”. I question everyone and everything. I
can frequently be passive-aggressive, but for the most part I’m very blunt and forward.
I get stressed out easily, anxiety attacks are the norm for me, and I am more
than paranoid. My life needs to be exciting, I need to constantly be having
more fun and experiencing new things so I don’t have time to remember my past.
I am a fighter, I am independent, and I am more mature than others my age. I have
built walls of anger, pride, and bitterness and will not let anyone overcome
them. I hate hugs. Don’t pity me, don’t sugar coat things, and don’t lie to me.
I won’t ask you for things, but I will help you do just about anything. I have
found my position in my family and I would much rather brag to you about my
siblings’ achievements and positions. I will not be pushed around, and I am
very competitive. At the end of the day, I am exactly who I am supposed to be,
and I wouldn’t give up my identity for the world… as messed up as it may be.
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